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As we continue to see schools closed and expectations to work from home rise, your confined time with your family may begin to take its toll on your household. This is the time of year when we often hang onto the hope that the weather will soon change, and cabin fever will come to an end. And then it gets a little Jurassic Park in the neighborhood. “We’re back….in the car.” Can anyone else relate?

Sure. Spring breaks have been happening so we could be a little more flexible as we adjusted to this new normal. Now that everyone’s spring break is over, or is just coming to an end, reality is setting in. It’s time to talk about strategies and tips to make this time more enjoyable, less stressful, and an opportunity to teach our kids lifelong skills that build resilience. Maybe they can take these skills into the workforce when they become adults too! It is never too early to teach ownership, responsibility, or self-starting.

First, let’s talk about schedule and structure. If you read my colleague Andria’s blog (https://comeasyouarecounseling.wpcomstaging.com/2020/03/24/surviving-home-learning-during-this-pandemic/), you know that schedule and structure are the foundation for success in helping your kids with their education at home. Andria’s blog also talks with us about being flexible with these constructs. One way to combine structure and flexibility to your schedule is to set aside particular blocks of time for schoolwork while being fluid in what subjects you address.

An option for accomplishing this task is to take some craft sticks and write each subject on a separate stick. I have a little glass jar I use to put the craft sticks in, but if all you have are strips of paper and an envelope that is perfect. During your scheduled schoolwork time you let one kid pick the subject that you will be working on. The block of time that you spend on a subject will depend on the age of the child. You could have an envelope of sticks for each child with the amount of time they are expected to work on that subject written on the end of the stick. When younger children have reached their threshold, they can pick a new stick or take a break. Just remember that you are the one that monitors whether they have reached their threshold or are testing boundaries. Have an envelope with “finished” written on it and put the drawn sticks into that envelope when the work is completed. You reset your jar or envelope each day. Don’t forget to schedule in fun or specials. Put those on your craft sticks or paper strips too!

This activity is a great way to teach prioritization and organization of daily tasks. Kids need boundaries and expectations to help them make sense of their world and feel safe. By setting aside a time for their work you are providing the structure that they need to feel secure about what is happening in their world right now. By allowing them to choose the order in which they tackle their schoolwork they learn to have autonomy amid stressful situations, which builds resilience.

A second way to help you keep your sanity during this time is to grab a white board, if you have one. The white board is my favorite resource for doing math or spelling work. Have the math problems you plan to address with your children that day printed or written out on paper. Give a child their list of the problems for the day and ask them which one they would like to start on first. Then, ask them if they want you to write the problem on the board, or do they want to do it themselves. Repeat with additional problems.

It is important to give them multiple options for how to solve the problems. For example, younger children who are adding or subtracting can: draw dots, use mathlink blocks, use marbles, or use their fingers. If you do not have something readily available, improvise! You can make “manipulatives” with a hole punch and some construction paper in their favorite colors. You can also use real coins. Pennies can be used for smaller addition/subtraction problems.

Skills involved in this method include autonomy, ownership of the task, and project problem solving. Here is the task before them. How are they going to tackle it? They are able to discover their own natural gifting in mastering their assignments. Again, you as the parent need to determine if they are testing boundaries or need to move on to something else. If they are testing boundaries, then give them the choice to decide for themselves how to solve the problem, or you will decide for them. If they chose to work on the problem in their own way, they were probably testing boundaries. If they continue to struggle, take a break and ask them what they need, give a hug, see if they are hungry, etc. Testing boundaries is healthy if it does not escalate into something too big to for either of you to manage. Testing boundaries is often asking the question: will you keep me safe? Safety can take on multiple definitions in a child or adolescent mind. Please keep in mind that boundary testing does not equate poor behavior. They have a need that needs to be met.

Language Arts is another area where creativity may be used in a structured way to develop a love for reading. Recently, I participated in a virtual roundtable where one of the speakers mentioned lighting a candle and have everyone read for the length of time the candle is lit. I started using this suggestion at my house! Another strategy to help children become strong readers is to have them read the story they are working on, then have them use their toys to retell the story. You could also have them act out the main parts of the story, or a paraphrase of it, for older children.

Another way to make learning language fun is to use games that you already have at home. A great example is Apples to Apples. This game can help teach vocabulary and relationships between different words. If your student is young and does not have a lot of vocabulary yet, or struggles with reading, you can alter the directions of the game. An example for Apples to Apples is where you do not need to keep your cards secret and there is no winner, but you see the green card and everyone finds a word in their hand that matches the green card. Younger children can get help from other players without feeling shame about their skill level. If you do not have a matching card, you talk about why. When you pick outrageous cards because you do not have a match, you can still do a lot of laughing.  It is essential to create opportunities for laughter during this time.

These examples of learning language arts show how to make the learning fun and memorable. When you add the fun, learning does not seem so overwhelming and sets kids up for success. These strategies address communication skills, interpretation, and that work can be enjoyable. Social studies can also use acting things out as a way to make the learning process smoother and much more enjoyable.

Lastly, children need times for expressive and messy play. Science works well with messiness! Whenever the weather is nicer, I have a fiberglass table I set up outside for all the messy fun we could dream up. At the end of the activities, I hose down the table….and sometimes the child! There are so many fun science experiments you can do outside that meets their teacher’s criteria. At the same time, the kids get their daily dose of vitamin D, which helps keep the peace indoors. Search the internet for ideas if needed and let them learn while having a brain break. One of my favorite books for messy play is Usborne’s 365 Days of Science.

As we walk through this experience together, remember that you are not homeschooling your child. You are providing crisis schooling. Parents who chose to homeschool their children have invested a lot of time preparing for the experience. You were not given that option, so you are providing crisis schooling. Get as much education worked into your schedule as you can but give yourself grace at the end of each day for doing your best to juggle all the hats that were handed to you without warning. You do not have to be an A+ educator. You just need to do the best that you can to keep your sanity, keep the kids alive, protect your connection with your kids, and do the best you can to help them continue learning. If you don’t get much schoolwork accomplished…..you are not the only one! We are in it together! First things are first.

Life and hunting for sharks’ teeth are a lot alike. How? Well, for starters, both take patience! Have you ever hunted for shark teeth? It’s something I began learning about a few years ago. Historically, I am not a beach person. You must step up your sunscreen game, sand gets where it should not, and who really knows what is in that water at this very moment. Oh. You also must find a swimsuit you like. I was more interested in a comfortable pair of jeans and a good hike…..Then I became a parent.

Parenthood changes everything. My husband wanted to visit the beach, so I reluctantly agreed. My child loved it! Let’s be honest. A lot of moms sacrifice their own desires to foster their children’s unique identity. This was one of those moments for me. The beach has become a tradition. Along with this tradition, my appreciation for the beach and the ocean has also grown…. but not a love for swimsuits. I guess you really cannot win them all.

During our time at the beach, my husband began to look for shark teeth. At first it was hard. Through our adventures we happened to befriend a local couple. The wife grew up at this beach and has a rich family history of fossil hunting, which includes shark teeth. My husband would comb the beach then sit with our friend to sort through what he found and decide if there was anything of value in his stash of treasure. The shark teeth were obvious. Other fossils were more intriguing since you must examine them more closely.

In the beginning, I would make sure our child did not get lost at sea while my husband went hunting for fossils. A couple of years ago I decided I would try to share my husband’s interest in finding shark teeth. It was boring. I never found any while he continued to announce his finds. I became frustrated with the process. Then….

I found my first tooth!

Even after finding my first tooth I was frustrated and impatient. I found that tooth by accident. By chance. By…. I have no idea. I randomly picked up a black spec and there happened to be a shark tooth attached. My husband and everyone I talked to said it would get easier now that I knew what to look for…except that I really had no idea. I was not about to fess up and tell any of them I was still clueless as to what I was looking for in the sand. My impatience continued. Aren’t vacations supposed to be relaxing?

This year was a little different. It was a record year for finding shark teeth, and I even found a part of a mastodon tooth! As I walked the beach looking for shark teeth, one just appeared at my feet clear as day. I snatched up my find and hoped for an easier year. Another one “appeared”. My hopes rose. Then, of course, my child began running down the beach and I was off to chase her so she would not be lost as sea. Motherhood strikes again! We continued this start-stop routine for more than a mile to the infamous inlet where fossils and shells take refuge during low tide.

Talk about aggravating! Well, aggravating for fossil hunters. My treasure box had very little to boast. Throughout the week I continued to look for opportunities to search the beach. I decided to make a commitment to pick up everything I saw that resembled the color of shark teeth when I searched. My eyes needed to be trained in what to look for if I was going to be successful. A lot of junk ended up in my bag. More teeth ended up in my bag too!

Searching allowed time for my thoughts to drift toward how life is like the search for shark teeth. When we have experienced broken attachment, abuse, loss, traumatic childhood experiences, or other types of distress it can be difficult to know what we need to gain, or regain, a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. If a healthy lifestyle has not been modeled for us during our formative years, we may not even know what a healthy lifestyle looks like, or even that our lifestyle may be destructive to our long-term mental or physical health. Finding what we need can become just as overwhelming as my search for shark teeth if we are uncertain what we need.

Looking for shark teeth during high tide versus low tide can also parallel day-to-day life challenges. High tide searching can often be more discouraging or stressful than low tide searching, even if high tide may bring more teeth to us. High tide brings in tumultuous water that requires us to be more vigilant for the roaming teeth and have quicker reflexes to snatch them up before the next wave washes them away. Implementing coping strategies during the stressors of life may mirror this fleeting behavior. Before you are able to snatch up the shark tooth, the window of opportunity is gone.

When the waters are churned up, you must have a quick eye and reflexes to snatch up your treasures. These churned up waters are synonymous to traumatic events, childhood abuse, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy thought patterns, etc. The shark’s teeth are much like the coping skills, identity, self-advocacy, self-esteem, etc. that we need to keep ourselves safe, align with our worldview, or be true to ourselves. When there is too much chaos in our lives, we struggle to hang onto these things before the storm washes them away again.

When we begin therapy, there can be an expectation that we instantly get what we need and are able to put it into practice. Unfortunately, the process of therapy is more often like the search for shark teeth. We may need to learn and relearn skills until we internalize them. We may not be able to access our skills right away. It may feel like throwing something at our circumstance until “something sticks”, just like my picking up anything that resembled shark teeth until I trained my eye. There is a lot of error before there is success. There has been a lot of missing my teeth before the window of opportunity closes. But…..eventually……I grasped the knowledge of what I was looking for and acquired less junk in my treasure chest.

The same is true for learning skills in life and in therapy. As the saying goes: don’t ever give up! Each miss is one step closer to understanding what to look for and hang onto.

The cup is often the focus of some pretty interesting, if not cliché, metaphors in our society.  Is the cup half full or half empty?  You can’t pour from an empty cup.  Does your cup runneth over?  We also see the cup used for things like disguising the taste of something else: alcohol, poison, medications, etc.  The cup seems to represent many things in our life, which begs the question: What’s in your cup?

 

To get started with this activity, I
recommend buying a silicon cup if you do not already have one.  Amazon has a nice selection of silicon cups if you cannot find one at your favorite store.  I personally have silicon beakers and an approximately 16-ounce silicon cup.  You may also want a silicone mat of some sort.  You can find one in the baking aisle if you need one.  You will also need: construction paper, flour, water, and a whisk or blender bottle.  You may prefer glue instead of flour.  You decide your preference.  Both works.

 

First, select the construction paper colors that best represent you.  This could be favorite colors, colors that match your personality, colors that represent your predominant emotional states, etc.  The sky is the limit.  Tear the paper into paper mache size pieces.  Not too big.  Not to small.  Just right, like Goldie Locks.

 

Second, combine flour and water until you create a thin paste, or 1:3 ratio for water and glue.  The best way for me to do this is to get a blender bottle and add the water first.  Slowly add the flour a couple of tablespoons at a time until your thin paste forms.  Keep what you are not using in the cup so you can shake it up as needed.  Find a small bowl to pour some mache paste into.  A glass prep bowl that holds a cup or two of liquid is perfect for this. Using glue instead of flour will make the colors turn out more vibrant and provide a different sensory experience.

 

Third, soak the paper in the paste briefly.  You only need to ensure the paper has absorbed the liquid and is thinly coated.  Then, you turn your silicon cup upside down and begin to cover the outside of it with the paste-soaked paper until the entire outside is covered.  Let dry for 24 hours.  Gently use a flexible tool to loosen the paper from the silicone cup.  This takes some patience as you work toward not ripping the paper in the process.  A silicon cup allows you to bend the cup away from the paper until it is loose enough to slip right off the cup.  My tool is from a kit that is used to make resin products.  See picture for a visual.  You may also want to coat the paper with modge podge and let that dry before removing your paper cup from your silicon cup.

After you have removed your paper cup from your silicon cup, you can begin the process of defining what is in your cup.  Think about all the different aspects of your life.  What is in your cup?  Write these things down on paper and place the pieces of paper in your cup.  Example are: past events that affect your life now (traumatic experiences), attitudes, values, emotions, recurring thoughts, things outside of your control, coping skills, dreams, hobbies, things you are growing in, things that make you laugh, things that you love, etc.  Again, the sky is the limit.  If you have more than what fits in your cup keep writing them down.  You can pile them on top of what you have in your cup and/or set them beside the cup if needed.

 

If you have more pieces of paper than what your cup can hold, your first action is going to be to determine what is actually in your cup and what are things you wish were in your cup.  If you only wrote down what was actually in your cup and you did not have more than what will fill your cup, your first action will now be to identify things you wish were in your cup and are not there.  Next, identify the things in your cup that you do not want to be there.

 

Are you ready for a metaphor?  I hope so because we are jumping in now.  In the United States of America, we have a pretty good water treatment system anywhere you go within the country.  That does not mean water will not taste different from place to place.  Afterall, we are quite fascinated with bottled water!  Still, the water is safe to drink due to well documented protocols for treating water to make it potable.  That is not true in every part of the world!  In fact, when I was in Africa several years ago, I experienced the truth in drinking unhealthy water firsthand.  I was so sick!  Fortunately, I was traveling with a team of physicians as well.  The experience was quite eye-opening.  We collectively agreed that what happens in Africa stays in Africa since there were many such experiences among our team.

 

So, what is in your cup?  Is it toxic? Do you have unforgiveness in your cup?  Do you have anger in your cup?  Do you have unprocessed traumatic experiences that give you nightmares in your cup?  Do you have financial stress in your cup?  Do you have fear in your cup?  Do you have loneliness in your cup?  Do you have isolation in your cup?  Do you have rejection in your cup?  Do you have negative thoughts about yourself recycling through your brain in your cup?  Do you have grief in your cup?  Do you have things in your cup that are trying to cover up, mask, hide, or negate other things in your cup?

 

How are the things in your cup impacting your life, daily and long-term?  Research demonstrates that stress can be deadly.  Look at the group of things that you wish were in your cup and the group of things you wish were not in your cup.  How can you start filtering what is in your cup?  What treatment process do you need to make what is in your cup healthy for your body?  Do you need to rebalance your nutritional intake?  Exercise more?  Take a break from electronics?  Take a vacation?  Seek therapy from a counselor trained in helping individuals who need help in the areas you need help with or healing from?  How do you start filtering out the toxic things in your life and start adding healthy things from your wish list into your cup?

 

Water is the most essential nutrient for our body, hence the cup for this activity.  The things in your cup are essential for the life you are leading or want to lead.  Are you filling your cup with the essentials to get you to the life you want to lead?  Are you filling your cup with clean water or contaminated water?  There is no shame in asking for help with filtering what is in your cup.

Some might see my blog title and think I am a coffee addict.  While I do love my morning coffee routine, and meeting friends for coffee, the title “Therapeutic Java” does not come from an addiction to coffee.  The title was birthed out of the symbolism of coffee in multiple cultures around the world.  It also represents aspects of my worldview.

In 2012, I participated in a counseling trip to Ethiopia in Africa.  Our role as counselors was to be available at medical clinics to provide emotional support to woman and children, who are especially marginalized in that area of the world.  The clinic was also open to men at various locations.  This experience is particularly important to the title of my blog since Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee.  Coffee originally comes from Kaffe, Ethiopia.

Ethiopia values coffee so much they have a ceremony for it.  During my two weeks working with the clinic, I was honored to participate in several coffee ceremonies that took place in different contexts.  My first experience was at clinic headquarters.  In a coffee ceremony, you grind the coffee beans by hand.  Next, you use a special coffee pot to brew the grinds.  Third, you add sugar to special coffee cups, then poor the coffee over the sugar.  Milk is rarely used.  During a coffee ceremony food is served while frankincense burns.  The importance of this ceremony is relationship.  I also participated in the ceremony at a young woman’s house in an impoverished area of town where it was served along with kolo (roasted barely), a staple food item.  The third place where I enjoyed this ceremony was after a meal at a local restaurant in town.

Coffee has a place for building relationships in our culture as well.  We often meet for coffee when we want to catch up with family or friends.  We serve coffee around mealtimes, especially decaf after dinner.  The warmth of coffee helps to organize our brains through sensory input.  It provides emotional comfort as we hold a warm cup of joe on a cool morning or as we watch the sun rise.  Coffee sometimes builds community in the kitchen when we make fancy coffees.

My counseling practice is grounded in the therapeutic nature of authentic relationship, much like we experience with a friend or family member while enjoying a cup of coffee.  Through the interpersonal process, I provide authentic reflections, insights into behavior, and therapeutic, corrective relationship experiences.  I also use the language of childhood, play, to restore identity, improve interpersonal skills, and heal emotional/mental health injuries across all ages. 

It is my hope that my office space makes my clients feel as comfortable and safe as they would sitting down to a cup of joe with a trusted person in their life.  In other words, my desire is to provide care that feels like a therapeutic cup of java.

If this approach feels like something you need, please reach out.  Maybe we will even talk about it over a cuppa.

 

 

Talking about boundaries is quite popular these days.  When I see clients that want to work on issues related to boundaries, I often find that they have focused on either, what I call, reactive boundary-setting or they have taken a rigid approach to boundary-setting.  My approach is different.  I have a strong belief that boundaries start within us, not as a response to external demands.  Boundaries should also have a certain amount of flexibility, though not so much that they undermine their purpose.

If we set reactive boundaries it becomes increasingly difficult to be consistent with our boundaries when we are tired, hungry, anxious, or overwhelmed by our circumstances.  It also becomes difficult to be consistent when we set boundaries based on how we feel in the moment.  If today I feel energized and able to deal with a little more stress, so I remove a boundary, the other person will likely be confused, hurt, or angry when I set a firm boundary on a day when I am not feeling so well.  This can lead to a whole host of negative feelings toward ourselves or others that really are not fair to either of us.  This is a system that sets both people up for a failing relationship.

If, however, we set our boundaries based on our core values, we are able to be more consistent in setting boundaries for ourselves and others.  We are able to set boundaries that protect us from entering into situations we later regret.  A good place to start learning how to set boundaries for yourself is to ask yourself:

What is important to me? What things am I drawn to?

After you make a list (or write an essay if that’s your style) for the things that you value, you are ready for the next to continue with the rest of the steps for this project.

Steps to figuring out your boundaries:

1.      Use an 11”X14” piece of paper, or larger, to create a collage, picture, mural, expressive art piece, or whatever you would like to call it that represents your life thus far.  Make your project comprehensive, not just the things you want to remember.  This part of the project needs to be accurate.  Accuracy might make you uncomfortable, though it is essential to a successful exercise.

2.      Use a three-step activity to interact with your creation from step one.  Create a list of things from step one that you want to hold onto.  Create a separate list of things you would like to let go of or change.  Make a third list of things you want in the future.

3.      Use step two to create a list of goals for yourself.  Set your boundaries where they help you achieve your goals and honor your values.

Refer back to your list of what is important to make sure you are being congruent with your values and goals.  Sometimes we make goals based on family traditions or other external factors.  Maybe our values do not match up with these traditions or factors; these can cause anxiety or discontent in working toward our goals.  Checking your goals against your values fosters authenticity.

When someone is significantly injured by either repetitive smaller offenses, a single gigantic offense, or repetitive gigantic offense, the left and the right sides of our brain can become “offline” from each.  We stew in our hurt.  We ruminate in our anguish.  We repeat the story of what happened or what continues to happen, and we get on a mental loop.  Sometimes it feels like “if I just tell the story one more time I’ll find some new revelation to fix, repair, restore, or stop the damage”.  “If I just said it enough time, the person will realize how they have hurt me and fix it, repent, become sorrowful”.  Or, “if I say it enough times I’ll suddenly find the answer to feeling better”.

This is the point when people usually find themselves in my office, or a colleague’s office.  I have some bad news.  I do not have a magic wand!  Wouldn’t that be lovely though?  My colleagues don’t have a magic wand either.  Sorry to disappoint.

The good news is that I have an activity that typically helps individuals break the looping behaviors they find themselves experiencing.

Step 1:

Draw a heart, preferably on a red piece of paper, and cut it out.

Step 2:

Write all the things that were in your heart before you were injured on your paper heart.

Step 3:

Tear up your paper heart.

Step 4:

Put your heart back together with band-aids.

Step 5:

Write what you need to put your heart back together on the band-aids.

Reflection Questions:

1. Does your heart look the same as it did when you first drew it? How about as it did when you wrote on it, before tearing it up?
2. Does your heart work the same as it did in the beginning of the project?
3. What happens when you have surgery? What is an important aspect in the healing process post-surgery?  (think about scar tissue and it’s role in future pain)
4. Did you give up before you put your heart back together? Is that how you typically handle your relational heart in your day-to-day life?

Positive Behavior Log:

Attached is a “Positive Behavior Log” that I created to track positive behaviors your child/student has engaged in between visits with their mental health counselor.  The point of this assignment is to highlight positive interpersonal experiences initiated by your child.  Children who have been referred to a mental health counselor, or consistently receive disciplinary action at school, often hear a lot about what they are not doing well, and what they are doing well typically takes a backseat.  This log is intended to highlight the good things your child is doing and to reinforce the behaviors adults in their life are trying to teach them.

Commonly children who are continually given attention for undesirable behaviors will internalize a negative self-concept.  Focusing on their positive behavior can alter this negative brain mapping, turning their identity to a more positive self-concept.  With an improved self-concept, a child is often able to develop increased flexibility in how they think about their behavior and their identity.  More flexibility in their thinking often leads to the child being able to more readily separate behavior from identity.

 

Reinforcing Positive Behaviors:

One of the things we know about reinforcing behaviors is that random reinforcement is more effective than incremental reinforcement.  Rather than setting a weekly target for a certain number of positive interpersonal interactions, it is better to vary the frequency a reward is given.  As humans we typically fall into patterns.  We like patterns.  An easy way to combat this tendency is to roll a die.

In my office I have a big, six-inch yellow die that I use for all sorts of activities.  In this particular case I roll the die to determine how many days in a row the client must have one or more positive peer interactions.  The first goals are small.  For example, an initial goal may be to simply say “hi” to peers.  A second goal may be for the client to ask a peer “Did you do anything fun (last night, over the weekend, etc.)?”  In some cases, I back up the goal even further to an activity the client completes with their school counselor to build a foundation on which the client has the ability to say “hi” to a peer.

As the child improves their interpersonal skills more complex reward systems are put in place.  After basic social skills are mastered, the child will have short-term and long-term goals.  This allows the client to continue mapping positive neural pathways while continuing to challenge the child to build stronger neural pathways.  Did you catch that?  Build the pathway, then strengthen it while continuing to grow the pathways.  This takes dedication!  Eventually, the shorter-term weekly goals will increase the number of weeks between reinforcement, then months.

 

Short-term Reinforcement:

Short-term reinforcement is a smaller scale reward.  Examples include: 20 minutes of gaming, one 20-30-minute TV show, choose the next movie for family movie night, select the next game at family game night, 20 minutes of free-choice time, 30 minutes of craft time, etc.  These activities should be things that may be distractions for your child when completing necessary tasks, like homework.   Short-term rewards should be instantly gratifying yet contained.  The rewards should also be consistent with your house/office/school rules.  The sky is not the limit.

 

Long-term Reinforcement:

Long-term reinforcements should be things that require more effort to earn.  These rewards will change over time as your child’s self-regulation improves.  Long-term rewards should begin with weeks and move toward months.  These are things that would require more investment from the adult/caregiver overseeing this project.  Examples include: dinner out, selecting a favorite homemade meal, receiving a desired toy, going out for a movie, completing a project at the pottery shop, buying a comic book, shopping for crafting items, etc.  The reward in this category should stir up motivation within the child to pay more attention to what is going on within themselves and with others.  This is a difficult category of reward because it’s like Goldie Locks.  It cannot be too hard or too soft.  It needs to be just right.

 

Tips for Reinforcement:

*       Highlight the line for which the reward will be given.

*       Roll a die to determine the number of days before a short-term reward.

*       Roll a die for the number of weeks before a long-term reward.

*       Start with short-term rewards until they are met with consistency, then add in short- and long-term rewards.  The final step is to provide only long-term rewards.

*       Create a reward jar full of popsicle sticks with agreed upon incentives.  Let the child decorate the jar.

*       As the child improves self-regulation they may not want to redeem a reward right away.  This is great!  Create a reward currency, such as using a one-inch hole punch and cardboard or use marbles (or other safe item) and let them fill a container with the reward currency and choose when they would like to redeem the reward.  This will improve the child’s ability to know their limits and honor their window of tolerance.  It also helps you know when to increase the difficulty of the reward.

Disclaimer: This system can be applied to a myriad of behaviors, not just interpersonal skills.

Positive Behavior Log

The first step to this activity is to set up the bracelet that will be used to direct this activity.  Follow the steps below to get started with your bracelet.

1.    Select a sturdy material, such as cardboard, to create a circular cut out.  I used a disposable cup to cut my circle.

2.    Cut 12 slits in the circle, preferably evenly spaced.

3.    Cut equal lengths of your 11 colors of embroidery thread, or other similar thread material.

a.    Green = growth

b.    Blue = sadness/depression

c.    Orange = confusion

d.    Purple = anxiety

e.    Grey = frustration

f.     Red = anger/rage

g.    Pink = love

h.   White = peace/faith/spirituality

i.     Yellow = joy/happiness

j.     Black = fear

k.    Brown = clear as mud emotion

4.    Line up the ends of each thread and tie a knot to hold them all together.

5.    Attach a charm to one of the threads, if desired.

6.    Use a pencil to punch a hole in your cardboard circle and gently thread your colors through the hole.

7.    Separate your thread and anchor each color in its own slit.

Now you are ready to begin your journaling.

The first thing I recommend is to pick a charm that represents what you want to anchor your journaling experience with.  In my office I often use an anchor charm or a have my clients find a charm that represents their safe or healing place.  Thread the charm onto the emotion you want your anchor to be attached to as you complete this activity.  Examples are: growth, peace/faith/spirituality, love, joy.  Pick a positive emotion.

You can decide on the pattern you want to use to create your bracelet, as long as you at least move every other string.  I recommend your first bracelet move every third string.  As you pick up a string, journal about the emotion associated with that color.  Spend a minute with each string everyday for a total of 11 journal entries until you get used to the process.  Use the following questions to guide your work:

·        Green = what is something I am growing in?

·        Blue = what is something that makes me sad or feel depressed?

·        Orange = what is something that is causing me, or has caused me, confusion?

·        Purple = what is something that makes me anxious?

·        Grey = what is something that I find frustrating?

·        Red = what is something that makes me mad?

·        Pink = what is something that I love?

·        White = what is something that gives me peace or strengthens my faith/spiritual practice?

·        Yellow = what is something that gives me joy?

·        Black = what is something that causes me fear?

·        Brown = what is something that makes me feel an emotion I don’t know how to name?

 Each week or month change up the question by changing the stem of the question to answer the “wh” questions and how.  Who, what, when, where, why, and how.  As you address each question for the colors, you can search for charms that represent your experience with each emotion and thread it onto that color.  You could also thread charms that represent nurturing or strength as you work your way through this activity.  The sky is the limit when it comes to the charms you may add!  Try to make the charms something that helps you grow in your journey or honors an important memory/milestone.

As you observe your bracelet growing, or help your child observe their bracelet, notice the following things:

1.    Is there a pattern emerging?

2.    Do the colors look separate or intertwined?

3.    Is each thread stronger or weaker than before it was woven together with the other colors?

4.    Are there any colors you did not like?  How do they look woven together with the other colors?

5.    Do you notice how you put positive and negative emotions through the circle (healing place) and something beautiful was created?  It took the good stuff and the bad stuff to create your beautiful bracelet.

Some of you might think: This is great….if I wanted to make a bracelet.  Rest assured that you can modify this activity to meet your lifestyle.  You can use this activity to make a bookmark, wall hanging, or whatever holds meaning to you and can provide reminders of what you need, where you’ve been, or where you want to go.

NOTE: This journal activity utilizes a friendship bracelet technique that can be found on social media or other internet searches.  What makes this activity unique is the interaction between the bracelet and the journaling directives.

1. Rub lotion on your young child’s hands and feet
2. Make kabobs together
3. Bake cookies
4. Three-legged races
5. Laundry Relay.  Assign each person a task: remove clothes from dryer, fold, categorize by item and person
6. Starring Contest
7. London Bridge is Falling Down
8. Build a hand tower
9. Hold a balloon back-to-back and walk it across the room together.
10. Wheel-barrow races
11. Lead the Blind: One person is blind folded.  The other person puts their hand on the blind-folded person’s shoulder and helps guide them around the room using only verbal instructions.
12. Make a human railroad track. To move the track around the room, the last person moves to the front.  Once they are in position they announce: ready!  The new last person moves to the front.  Repeat.
13. Stand in a line.  The last person passes an object to the person in front of them.  Continue passing the object forward until it reaches the person at the front of the line.  The person at the front takes the object to the end of the line.  Repeat.
14. Human chain.  Make a line from the pantry to the chef.  The chef tells the first person in the chain what item they need and that person passes the request down the line until it reaches the person at the pantry.  The person at the pantry passes the item down the line to the chef.  Repeat.
15. See how many family members you can fit in a hula hoop. Walk the hula hoop around the room.

The activity I am about to share with you is an activity that was birthed during an art contest I was having with my eight-year-old.  Don’t worry.  Everyone was a winner!  And, my eight-year-old is in possession of the entries.

In my work with clients I am often thinking about resources they need for processing EMDR targets.  EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  It is a form of trauma therapy founded by Francine Shapiro.  As I began to work on my art contest entry I thought about what I might want practice for creating resources in my sessions.  My first one was a bear.  It was a pretty cute bear……. for a non-artist.  Emphasis on non-artist!

During this process I decided to draw a turtle for the heck of it and began to put the shell pattern on my turtle when an idea was hatched.  A turtle shell is pretty heavy and depression is a common experience for my clients.  What if each section of the turtle’s shell was something that was “weighing you down” in the form of depression, grief, anxiety, etc.? 

For each section on the turtle’s shell, write down something that “weighs you down” emotionally or mentally with a fine tipped permanent marker.  After you have written down all the things that feel heavy in your life, or at least what fits on the turtle, reflect on each section.  What does this weighty circumstance feel like?  Color the section according to how that circumstance makes you feel with a colored pencil.  That way you can still see what you wrote through the emotion color.

In my office I use this for various therapeutic reasons.  For you, at home, you can use this activity to help your child with emotional awareness and to build their emotional intelligence.  Don’t stop at the completion of the activity.  Have a conversation with your child about what they wrote down and their feelings about that circumstance.  If they need help finding a solution be sure to ask non-leading questions that help them come up with an answer for themselves.

Examples of non-leading questions:

1.    What do you think you should do?

2.    That sounds really hard.  What is like for you?

3.    I didn’t know you felt this way.  Would you tell me more about what is going on?

4.    Is there anything I can do to help?

5.    What would you like to do about this?

If something abusive is revealed in the activity or following conversation then you must take action yourself and not leave your child to resolve the problem on their own.  If they are not being abused, this is a good way to open the conversation to helping your child solve their own problems when they experience strong emotions.  Just like a turtle, the process can be painfully slow.